this is me... a result from a 15 minute brainstorming

i'm an ordinary girl
i'm 18 but still use the half price advantages for children
i push all the doors, even when it's written "pull" above the door handle
i cry watching sad scenes even on cartoons
i'm clumsy
i'm not sure about everything in my life
i often let people fool me
i'm afraid of the future
i do not always enjoy the present
i lie
i prefer posting in english, and it's not showing off
i do not have a perfect life, but i like it
i'm not afraid to die, because it's just another beginning
i do dream a lot
i believe in love sometimes
i prefer to have somebody i can depend on, but
i usually manage quite well by myself
i'm not afraid to walk down a dark street alone, but
i'm terrified of dead aquarium fish
i have a dirty mind and i don't care if people think i'm a pervert
i have the guts to tell you the truth if you care enough to ask
i have a short memory
i'm bad at remembering names
i have an average intelligence
i'm not a nerd by nature, but i can be one if needed
i hate being defeated
i blush often
i do not have enemies
i forgive easily
i'm bad at refusing requests
i have emo moments
i have scars from the past
i build walls around me and this post is an attempt to crush them down
i tend to stare when i see someone beautiful
i collect quotes
i'm not artistic
i worry about details too much
i'm superstitious
i can believe in anything
i doubt everything
i live with no regrets
i believe all people are good in the heart
i don't stand people telling me what to do
i can't go around telling people what to do either
i can be very patient if i try hard
i'm afraid of dentists
i have a big goal in my life
i've realized money is important not so long ago
i usually avoid being in the center of anything
i like watching things happen
i like listening to people
i get nervous and start freaking out usually when it's all over
i can pretend
i have good friends
i love my friends
i love people i respect
i love school
i trust people
i don't like responsibility
i'm immature
i love being hugged
i have never loved
i've been into this 1 guy for veery long
i know love and lust are not the same sometimes
i love my freedom
i'm proud

times's up... 1 more thing:
i admit there're things i skipped while writing this list

So this is what i've created out of my life so far

everyone needs to SEE

had a very healthy day... had a 8-hour-sleep... a sandwich and a cup of yogurt for breakfast... then went out... had lunch around noon... then went diving (3+ hours)... then went golfing... a steady 50 yards at last! hahah... yeah, doesn't sound too impressing, but it's still a progress for me! then came home, had a shower, dinner... and now sitting with my laptop with a juicy apple... =) i'm pretty sure if i spent every day like this i'd be super slim && super fit... =PPP

Who am i? who do ppl think i am?

Sometimes i wonder what i look like in other people's eyes. I don't even know how old i look in people's eyes... here in beijing i seem to confuse some people... i look like a school girl, but no school girl here my age dresses like me...  lol... anyway... i'm sort of sure that the first impression i give ppl is not very good, smth that says unapproachable... really wonder what they think later... not that i care though... i don't give a thing about what ppl think about me, but i'm pretty curious to know...

twilight

i never really grasped how sentimental twilight can make one feel... and i'm not talking about the twilight saga's twilight... i'm talking about the time of the day... the end of a day... the sun disappearing behind the horizon, the few clouds moving lazily across the sky, the wind blowing mildly, the stars appearing one by one...  and it is so in beijing, in this loud city, but still it felt very nice...
I took a walk for more than an hour in the neighborhood... walked along the river, got to the little park, sat on a bench, gazed at the sky with music playing loudly in my headphones... people came and went, sometimes dogs came sniffing around, a couple of ducks swam across the little pond in front of me...music played, and i simply sat there... Small... feeling so small.... but secure, and... happy? enjoying the beauty of life... enjoying the little moments... "i'd never be as young as i'm this moment"

P. S. such a pity that i didn't take my cam with me...

more important to me than you realize...

it's really hard to accept the reality... the reality that i've lost him for the last and final time... there'll be no more waitings... i can't afford any more... i'll see him for less than a month this summer (and not even that often during this precious month), and be away for who knows how long...and i gotta accept that we're just not meant to be together... but that doesn't change how desperately i wish we could try... he seems to be the only one i'd swallow my pride for, the only one i'd give my freedom to... but he does not need it, and i gotta admit that he'd be better off without me... i just wish we'd at least stay friends forever...

ambivalent thoughts that cross each other out

let's go let's go!

Tired of the internet, i want to go out... maybe it's the season, or the people, or just my hormones.... but i wanna be outside... even if i do nothing but watch the people pass by with their everyday chores... even just to sit there looking at the sky and wondering how small i am... even just daydreaming... i wanna do it outside...

Yeah, all i need is him needing me...

why?

I really can't stop wondering why...? i used to be alright... I used to know more girls than guys, i used to chat more with girls than guys, i used to think about simple girlish problems... it used to be easier to get along with girls, and incredibly hard with guys... now it seems almost the same...  i used to be shy of all the adult talk... I used to get annoyed at meeting new guys... i used to ignore them... i used to be a good girl...

but now? 

well, i don't really know... now i return any sign of interest, not out of politeness as i used to, but out of pure curiosity... I want to know them...  and i can be any kind of a person for them to get to know them: i can be young and naive or old and mature, i can flirt or i can betray no interest...

sometimes i really think i should stop...  but i somehow can't do that...but the thing that bothers me the most is that no matter how interested i get, no matter how i sometimes wait to talk to them again, no matter how nice they seem, or even how i seem to begin to fall for them... no one is just right... i still want that 1 person... maybe it's bcuz it's been so long since i last saw him, or talked to him that the memories began to fade, that i became so irresponsible and fearless about new guys... or maybe bcuz i'd been alone for too long... i think i'll be back to normal once back at home... or at least i hope so...

honey, look here and smile

i did nothing special today... spent some time with my little sis...( ended up being called a baby and a kid myself... hahah...) so this is me trying to make my little sis look at the cam on my notebook and get a nice pic... i tried a lot... and yeah this is the best i got... hahah... she really doesn't stay still even for a sec! i guess all kids are so energetic... =D

"...remember entrance A, my girl..."

"My girl" hahah... such a weird phrase, esp when it's used to describe me... even more weird when it's used by an almost stranger... we both know he doesn't mean it, we both know there's an age difference of almost 8 years, but still i feel the need to tell him "not yours" every time, and he enjoys inserting it in every phrase... to annoy me apparently... hahah...
Villas... A cool guy... an interesting guy... very straighforwarded... too much straightforwarded... dirty minded... carefree... a party animal...playboy..."ни одну юбку не пропускает"... well, to sum it up, a bad boy... this is what he's shown me... but i feel there's smth more to that pretty face... a more serious side to that person... responsibility...determination i guess... but i don't know for sure... hope i'll get to know that side too... i bet he's a good person...
It's really funny how i react to his dirty thoughts... maybe that's cuz i grew too used to having a dirty mind myself... but what he says from time to time (or all the time, hah) really should embarrass me or set me angry, but it doesn't... i can really laugh at it... "i wanna s** you, but you're so small... i'll feel guilty y'know" hahah... i don't know... but i think this mysteriousness is what's triggering my interest... it feels like he's dead serious one moment and just making fun of me the next moment.... anyway... he and i both know he's not gonna "be my first man" or get anything from me... i think i'm just ending up having another big bro/guy friend...

take a deep breath

Breathe in, breathe out... i'm going to meet this guy tmrw... it really bothers me how uncertain i feel about it. i'm kind of excited, worried and guilty at the same time. Excited bcuz he really seems like an interesting guy, different from all those i know. worried bcuz he's still a stranger, and a wise girl would have been cautious no matter how good he seems like... unfortunately, it's a dangerous world outside, so better be on my guard... and finally the guilt... i can't help thinking that i'm being unfaithful... esp when it's only weeks left till i see Him, till smth might or might nor work out, till our last chance... I know i'm being silly, bcuz no one asked me to be faithful to... but somehow i feel like i'm betraying myself... well, Villas, i really hope you're worth it...

wanna see the world

Dad's right.... how many summers will I have with my hands free? With tons of time, and a sponsor willing to pay for me having fun???
But the idea of taking off by myself is not too pleasant.... I need a companion... not that i'm afraid to go alone, it's just not gonna be as much fun...
And where will i go? Exploring Mongolian countrysides? Or the ancient Chinese culture? Both sound good to me... But at this moment I just wanna lie on a sunny beach, reading a good novel, sipping some exotic juice... Maybe because i'm still not fully recovered, and my body needs some comfort... anyway, i don't wanna waste the summer of 2011... i'll do what i've never done and see what i've never seen...

So many guys around and i only want Him...

Hahah... Daamn... I used to be alright... Hahah... Alright... Anja's right. I really should stop meeting new guys... But i don't want to give up on this little fun of flirting, the feeling of being wanted and adored too... Since i can't be with Him... since it can't be Him, who calls me his princess, his girl... since i can't be His reason for spending every free minute online, I want to be "important" at least for someone... (but as they say "it never rains, but pours" it's somehow always either no one or several someones... not my fault... && don't get me wrong... I don't go around looking for someone to meet... they find me...)
You see usually it is temporary interest on both sides, when the interest evaporates they simply become unused IDs  on my msger list, or unused numbers in my phone book... Very rarely they'd write out of politeness (or boredom) stuff like "wassup?" and i'd say "nothing much"... (There're some Mr. Crazies though... Once a guy wrote to me to inform me that he was dating a very nice girl... hahah... I simply said "good for you" He couldn't have honestly expected me to be jealous, could he? hahah) I DO feel quite bad for this one particular guy from work though... I think i've let it go too far this time... But this is another story...
So anyway... I don't mind meeting new ppl, new guys either... I do not consider myself disloyal to Him just because i do chat with guys and sometimes go out to meet them... I keep everything within limits... But good reason tells me i really should end it all. As reality proved it over and over again in the past one and a half year, meeting guys like this really won't help me get over Him. This was and is my primary goal, y'know... the whole princess thing i mentioned in the beginning and the studying of guy psychology are a picked up hobby, which i can easily let go of...
So... i guess i'll just have to learn to lie that i have a bf, huh? It's so not fair that have to lie, not fair that it can't be a truth, not fair that i can't be with Him... Yeah, i know... He'd have said: "Who said life is fair?" Still... i miss him so much, not that i have much to miss...

Better later than never

A Blog. Have I not seen many beautiful and interesting blogs and promised myself that one day I'll have one too? Yes, I have. But why is it only now that I finally decided to create it? Because today I finally decided to screw my perfectionist  ideas about a flawless blog and simply see what my brain child grows up to be. Maybe something great, maybe nothing at all.